Tuesday, April 29, 2008

How to Have a Threesome


For a lot of couples there comes a time where a discussion of a threesome may surface. I stumbled across a great article by Ann Andriani that points out issues a couple should consider before "Expanding there Horizons." Though the focus of the article is introducing another woman to the scenario, the same principles would apply if you are in search of a man.

How to Have a Threesome
by Ann Andriani - All Sex Guide

Having a threesome can be an exilerating experience It can also be a recipe for disaster. So how then, is a couple supposed to know if it's right for them? I've received lots of questions about threesomes over at Allsexadvice.com and have been inspired to share my thoughts and experiences in this threesome guide for couples to help you and your hunny have an earth shattering sexual experience or avoid the biggest mistake of a lifetime. I do want to stress, before you start reading that because of the questions I've received, this article is written with heterosexual couples in a serious relationship in mind. It will help to keep things organized.

There's a lot of things to consider when embarking on the journey of a threesome. Some people fear such a big step and others think, well it's just sex with one more person involved so what's the big deal? To those folks I say, Plenty! It takes a strong couple to get involved in a threesome. According to Nina Hartley,

"It's a very big step and it's very hard to go back on it." There are so many emotions involved that if things are not planned out and discussed ahead of time, one or both of you could be in for a big surprise, and not a good one either. Now, I'm not trying to scare you away and tell you that it's a bad idea, because I've been there and I know it's a great experience, but you know the old saying, "No pain, no gain."

That saying rings true for my experience, but the pain has been totally worth it because my boyfriend and I have been able to experience something very special. I've always been attracted to women and am willing to play with the right participant, so it gives me a chance to fulfill a fantasy, and is a very hot show for my boyfriend. But the road to threesome heaven, for us at least, has not been without its roadblocks. Now, not everyone's experience is going to be this involved or this serious. In fact, some couples will fall right into it with no problem. However, we've been through it all and would love to share our experiences to help others. So here we go.



Stability

One important requirement in having a successful threesome is having a stable relationship, meaning all partners involved should be happy with one another, trust one another and respect one another. If deep down you're not happy in your relationship, a threesome is not going to fix it. If anything, it could end the relationship altogether. If you're not happy, you need to fix your troubles first. Don't ever get involved in a threesome to win back your lover. Do it because it's something that you really want to do. Also realize that for some couples, this is a big step and once you take it, there's no going back, which is why you should do it for yourself. There's no placing blame and getting upset about your partner going through with it later. What I'm trying to say is make sure EVERYTHING in your relationship is in order. I realize that most differences that couples have can not be completely resolved, but it is important to learn how to live with them. So make sure things are "honestly" happy between you and your partner.


Threesome - Communication

Communication is a must when including another person into your private, sexual play. Of course the communication is important when revealing this fantasy or idea with your lover, but it's also important in planning and preparing for the big event. Now, I'm not just talking boundaries, we'll discuss that more later. I'm talking about honest open, emotional communication with your lover. If you have any fears, let him/her know.For example, the wonderful woman that my boyfriend and I are involved with is a result of MY doing. I told my boyfriend I was attracted to her. I was the one who spoke to her and coordinated our first encounter, but that didn't mean that I didn't have my fears. Yes, I was totally excited, I had fooled around with women in the past, but this was going to be my first time going all the way. It was also going to be the first time that my boyfriend was going to have intercourse with another woman since we were each other's first. Deep down, I am secure in my relationship. I know that my boyfriend and I have a love that's deeper than words can describe and one night with another woman could never even come close to jeopardizing that. But, I was still having feelings of insecurity, thinking such thoughts as...will she pleasure him better than me? Will she do something or offer something that I can't? You bet, it was still jumping around in the back of my mind. Instead of letting these issues grow, I communicated these things and put the fire out. That's the kind of communication I'm talking about. Being able to honestly discuss your fears and concerns, because you will have some and it's important that those fears be put to rest before that night. If not, the explosion could be of monstrous proportions.


Self Respect

Most of us have negative issues about ourselves, be it body issues, income issues, social issues, etc. We all have them and we all have to deal with them, but make sure that those issues don't affect your self respect, especially if you're planning on having a threesome with your partner. I put self respect in its own category because you and only you are responsible for how you see yourself in this situation. Yes, it's important that your partner respects you, but if you don't respect yourself, I think your view of things that night may be a little skewed.

For example, if you have small breasts and have always been unhappy with them and the woman you include in your sexual play has rather large breasts, are you going to be jealous the whole night? Are there going to be times during the experience when you think your lover is having more fun with her because she has larger breasts? Or what if the other guy that's included has a larger penis? Will you be concerned that your wife/girlfriend is receiving more pleasure from or is more aroused by this man's larger penis? Even though, your partner may be enjoying the difference, it may only be the novelty of it, but deep down your partner loves you and/or cares about you. So you see, those body issues will affect your performance and your pleasure of the experience and unfortunately for you, that's not your partner's problem. It's problems you created on your own. So take care of your own issues, so you can be confident in yourself and have fun.


Define Your Relationship

Putting things into perspective and looking at what the relationship is, honestly, can be very helpful. I don't know if you've noticed, but I only referred to this third person as being involved in "sexual play" not "lovemaking." I believe they are two totally different experiences. For example, when my boyfriend and I "make love" it is a loving act between the two of us and during the process we express those emotions. When we're including our girlfriend, those emotions and feelings do not get expressed. When we're with her, it's just sex. Yes, we care about her and she cares about us, but he doesn't "love her" and don't "love her" the way we love each other. In my experience, I think it's been best to keep the two separate and if you're secure enough in your relationship and you've planned well ahead of time, than you should have no trouble making the distinction.This might also be a good time to mention that you may want to define your relationship with this other person. Is this person also a good friend of yours? Is he/she just a casual friend that you see for this type of play? Is this someone you want to hang out with out of the bedroom too? How close do you want to get with this person? Can they stop by on a whim or do you need some advance notification to prepare yourself? Take our girlfriend, for example. In driving time, she lives about 5 hours away, so we don't see her often at all. We usually get together a few times a year and that's when we play. We've defined our relationship as being close friends that have sex. We talk on the phone and online when we can to keep in touch, but when we meet, it's time to play.


Boundaries in a Threesome

Lastly, but not any less importantly is boundaries. You should define with your partner what your limits are. What kind of sexual play will be you experiencing? Are you going to go all the way or are you just going to go out and fool with around with each other? If another woman's involved, is your boyfriend or husband going to have intercourse with her or is he just going to watch and pleasure himself? Or...are both women going to orally and manually pleasure him? It may not seem like a big deal but when you're in the thick of it, it really matters. Let's look at a few examples. These examples all have to do with adding another woman.

A couple, that we're friends with, have also had a threesome, but they had very specific boundaries. There was no kissing the other woman, only they, the couple could kiss and he did not have intercourse with this other woman. I think that it was only his girlfriend that fooled around with her. I think both women pleasured him orally, but that was it. They had very strict boundaries and apparently the other woman didn't seem to mind because she was really interested in playing with the girl.

In my case, there really weren't any boundaries. My boyfriend could do whatever he wanted with our girlfriend, as long as she was cool with it, and the same applied to me. The only rule or boundary we have is that no one says "I love you" to her, during the act of sexual play. And, the whole threesome experience can not last more than a night and the next morning. The first rule would never happen anyway, but it was still spoken out loud. The second rule was designated by me because I really don't like to share my sweetie for any longer than that amount of time. My boyfriend and I are used to being only with each other on a day to day basis, so by the time our shower play is finished the next morning, I've shared more than enough and am ready to retreat and have him all to myself again.

You can also go as far as Betty Dodson, the Mother of Masturbation, and her boyfriend and be completely open to having sex with other people. Betty and her man, can actually go out and have sex with other people and the other one doesn't even have to be there. In fact, Betty gave her boyfriend to her girlfriend for her girlfriend's birthday. Her girlfriend loved the experience so much that she wanted to see Betty's boyfriend again. Even though Ms. Dodson did that, she revealed that when her girlfriend wanted to see her boyfriend again, she became angry. And even in their open relationship, Betty's boyfriend Eric says, about non-mamonogamy, "Believing in something intellectually doesn't mean that it's easy to accept emotionally..." But they still have rules. So you see, no matter how stupid you think a rule or boundary is, speak it, make it known otherwise, like I said earlier, you may hit some serious road bumps right in the middle of the experience.

Now that you have expressed and defined your boundaries with each other, it's time to find out what that lucky third person had in mind. Don't be afraid to come right out and ask. Everyone is involved in this to fulfill some kind of fantasy and it's important to know what this third person, that you've both never been intimate with wants to get out of this situation. You also don't want to overstep any boundaries that this person has. It will leave them feeling used and violated. So showing him/her that you care about them, also shows them how important they are. It also avoids any unpleasantness that would happen if his/her boundaries were overstepped during the event. This is another human being who has feelings and desires and deserves as much respect from you and your partner as you would want to receive from each other. Even though we've been with our girlfriend a bunch of times now and the newness is over, we still inquire before a meeting if there's any fantasy she wants fulfilled and if there is she lets us know. We also check in with her afterwards to find out if everything was okay, and she does the same for us.


Safety

This has to be right up there with Communication. Since you are bringing a third person into sexual play, you may not know much about them and their past, so it's always best to play safe. Make sure you have latex gloves, dental dams and condoms handy. And make sure you let this third person know ahead of time that you both only engage in safe sexual play, just so no one gets offended when all the prophylactics come out. If she can't play safely, then she can't play at all.Those are the important initial steps to heading down the road to a successful threesome. I can say that it has been a wonderful experience for my boyfriend and I, but it has also been one that we have also discussed not experiencing any more. It's that solid, honest communication and the various topics we discussed that has helped us decide each and every time. This is by no means a total and complete guide, but at least it will get you and your partner travelling down that road to deciding whether or not you should make this fantasy a reality.


For more information:

I also want to mention that one of the reasons our first threesome was such a success was because of "Nina Hartley's Guide to Swinging." Her video showed us all these points and helped us to start talking about what concerned us most. It showed how feelings of jealousy and inadequacy could creep in when you least expect it, but once you do talk to each other, work things out and plan ahead, how wonderful an experience a threesome can be. I also highly recommend Nina's newest DVD's Nina Hartley's Guide to Threesomes to any couple that fantasizes about having a threesome because watching things unfold on this video, may really help you and your lover sort through things and find out if this fantasy is right for you.I hope that this threesome sex guide has shed some light for you and your lover. I hope the story that I've told and the lessons we have learned will have you both on your way to a very pleasureable threesome experience!


I highly recommend these DVDs by Nina Hartley. Both threesome scenarios are sold seperately depending on your preference or if your looking to experience both!





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